My Name Sucks Ass … And So Does Yours

All of our names suck, yours, mine, his, hers, your grandmothers for sure. These ridiculous names passed down from generations, these middle names from an uncle who drinks too much, or grandpa who strangely smelled like Werther’s originals but had no teeth. Agatha, Bertrand, Prudence, Oliver, Sherman … Who in the world would ever keep […]

VFoC's Guide To Effective Pistolwhipping (Succeeding in Daily Life)

“Oh fuck what just happened? I have this strange pain throbbing in my forehead area, but my eyes are open and everything is black and it smells like exhaust, where the fuck am I?” … You’re in the trunk of a car you stupid bitch-ass-bitch, and if you’re there, you probably deserve it. Don’t worry […]

The "No Cut Off My Penis" Clause

This is probably the most painful thing I’ve ever had to write, no seriously !! The lady above, Kieu Becker, decided enough was enough with her marriage and decided to whack her husband’s pecker off and throw it in the garbage disposal. But it gets worse! She then decided to turn the garbage disposal on […]

Science Hates Your Balls: The War on Sperm

Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don’t laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science’ll be coming for your testicles next! Since the invention of the penis approximately 47 billion years ago man has been desperately trying to devise ways to control them. They are […]

It's Raining Babies In Physics Class

Helen Beard, a tourist from England, who was vacationing in the posh environment of an Econo Lodge in Orlando, Florida, is being regarded as “an angel sent from Heaven” for catching a toddler who fell from the fourth floor balcony. The two year old, Jah-Nea Myles, didn’t have a single scratch or bruise even after […]

TV Review: Seriously Funny Kids

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have said one thing more than any other single thing that I have ever said. More than “please”, more than “thank you”, more than “you tell anyone about this and I will ruin you!” And that one phrase that has come to be known as the thing that most defines me as […]

You call THAT parenting? "F-"

You wake up every morning at 4:30 am. Creeping quietly through your small, leaky two bedroom apartment, you put together lunches for your two children, girl child, age six and male boy kid, age 8, both students at the same central Florida elementary school. Packing them into the family hand me down station wagon which now runs solely on […]

MTV Caught You Looking… Again.

Penis. Ooooh, aren’t you outraged? Of course you are. You want to know why? Because I just said you were. And that’s all it takes. We’re off and running. You’ve likely never seen my penis, the majority of you have never even had one of your own to never be spoken of. But I just […]

Hi! We’re The Sticker’s

Look at ’em, staring at me while I sit at this eternal red light, where eternal is roughly one minute and 13 seconds.  They’re all perfect and happy and … not obese.  Where do they come from?  Why do they exist?  Where in the hell do you purchase them?  The most logical explanation would be […]