Your child needs to be told by everyone exactly what their genitalia mean to them socially and psychologically but then must never, under any circumstances, ever actually be instructed on how to use them by anyone. Especially not with weird anatomically correctish stuffed toys… But we’ll get to that… You see, two equally and oppositely frustrating stories popped up in various […]
“Thank you for calling ACME typewriter company, this is Betty, how can I direct your call?” … How about you be a good girl and fetch me a nice hot cup of jo sweetie, and this time do it the way I like it … two sugars!! Thanks doll. Oh, and if Mr. Smith calls tell him […]
I’m noticing a very strange and scary trend happening in the world right now, and it’s making me very uncomfortable, as it should you too. As I was watching a rerun of House, the medical show with the guy who has a cane and walks around with a limp, acting all “smarter than thou” and […]
Hi, I’m the Internet’s Jesse Jones. You may know me from such things as the what you’re reading now and that time I punched science. Earlier this week, my Van companion, or “Vanpanion” Jason expressed his violent, some would say, misguided hatred for the two dollar bill. Normally when Jason says something wildly hysterical and irresponsible, I […]
Somebody please get me off this money or at least toss me a Xanax Ahhhh yes, the $2 bill. America’s most embarrassing piece of currency, its red-headed stepchild, its third nipple, its annoying aunt who overstays her welcome, its Milli Vanilli, its … ok I think you get it. The government was so embarrassed by […]
It seems that every few months or so another headline pops up about some “inappropriate” female teacher getting it on with their prepubescent male students. What the hell is going on these days? Is there some sort of weird ‘hot for student’ bug going around? AND WHERE IN THE HELL WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN I […]
Dear holy sweet nectar of the Gods, someone has finally tapped into the best Ben & Jerry’s flavor EVER! Why in the world has it taken so long to realize that we are human, and we should only be ingesting momma’s milk, not this cow milk crap? Calves drink from cows, babies drink from soft, […]
Buy our new chicken tenders: they won’t rape you like our competitor’s fish sticks might! It just took me ten seconds to write that, and half of that time was spent looking up whether or not anyone’s ever been raped by a chain restaurant fish stick. And what I’ve just created is what we in the […]
Surgeons in southern China successfully removed a rusty, 10-centimeter knife from the skull of a man. The man shamefully goes by the name of Li Fuyan (which in ancient Chinese writings means Numb Brain). Li has been wandering around China for the last four years with a 4″ knife lodged in his head. AND HE […]
I had intended on reviewing Matthew Perry’s latest cancelled television program this morning and took a surprising left turn. Come with me on a journey through the career wasteland of an actor who got really lucky one time, and freshly shorn vaginas that hate the environment. Let us begin with the debut of “Mr. Sunshine”, a show […]