We can name more Jersey Shore cast members than our state’s Senators. We have commercials telling our kids to go outside and play. We are steaming into the twenty-first century, powered by wheezing, poisonous 19th century technology. And the little pocket-sized super computer that we bought six months ago, that tiny little thing that would have been considered […]
The multi-billionaire, close to owning the world, old, white, arrogant, eat at the finest restaurants every night, cigar smoking men at Apple have just completely outdone themselves today. They just announced that at the end of this month they will be releasing a white iPhone 4. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more […]
As regular readers know, we at Van Full of Candy have a love, hate, stab, caress relationship with a certain young pop super star whose name shall be mentioned many dozen times throughout this article. Whether it’s his disappointment in and hatred of rape victims, or his world shaking follicle styling decisions, we have been there every […]
We didn’t get you a present Hey everyone, want to hear something that nobody cares about? Twitter just turned 5 years old. Big F’ing deal, so did my dog and he still scrapes his ass on the floor. Five! You can’t even really color within the lines yet Twitter, or eat without spillin’ shit […]
Disclaimer: This is going to be a long, angry, fed up rant. If that’s your kind of thing, please feel free to enjoy. If this isn’t your idea of a fun internet time, have one of these: And we’ll see you tomorrow. For those sticking with us, let’s begin… Settle down. Right now. Cut it out […]
This Sunday is our bi-annual celebration of humanity’s unquestioned mastery over time and space. Daylight Savings Time begins at 2am Sunday morning, so when you’re late for something important, know that it’s not my fault. But when you think about it, the fact that you make it anywhere on “time” is really an every day modern fucking […]
The other day as I was driving the van around town, I happened upon a dog park; a place where lonely pet owners can congregate and let their dogs frolic around with other K-9’s. A place where they can stand at least twenty feet from each other engaging in the game of “please don’t make […]
It seems that every few months or so another headline pops up about some “inappropriate” female teacher getting it on with their prepubescent male students. What the hell is going on these days? Is there some sort of weird ‘hot for student’ bug going around? AND WHERE IN THE HELL WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN I […]
Have you ever looked through your grandparents old toys? Rifling through some of Grammie and Grampie’s old hoardables you come upon piles and piles of things that, if you were to give them to your children today, would probably result at least in your children being taken from you and at most, your justified execution for grossly negligent […]
It’s that time of year once again. The time when lovers frolic in the bounties of chocolate and cards and flowers and champagne and red & pink crap and … (hard swallow) … love. Did anyone else just puke in their mouth, swallow it and puke again all over the floor of loneliness? No? Just […]