Science: It’s Not an Exact Science

Last week science made a wild ass guess about how many things exist and we were just supposed to let that shit slide… A paper published last week by the scientific journal PLoS Biology, which is a complete fucking guess, says that there are 8.7 million species on Earth. Of which, they completely make up that […]

AAAHHHHHH!!! (Apocalypse Edition: Parte the Somethingth)

It’s the end of the world! Oh sweet Jesus who up until this very moment when you might actually be of some use to me, I have heretofore ignored and denied, IT’S THE END OF THE MONKEY FIGHTING WORLD! Don’t believe me?! Well fuck you! ‘Cause it’s real Jack! You’re dead! I’m dead! We’re all […]

Science Hates Your Balls: The War on Sperm

Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don’t laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science’ll be coming for your testicles next! Since the invention of the penis approximately 47 billion years ago man has been desperately trying to devise ways to control them. They are […]

Apple unveils "iLand": You're All Going to Die Here

Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a […]

I'm A Rocket Man !!

Holy freakin’ Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, our Jetpacks have finally been made and are available for order right now!! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to fly like Superman? Well, not EXACTLY like Superman because he didn’t have to strap on a 535 lb. Honda Civic engine the size of a refrigerator to […]

Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.

Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, […]

Finally Science Gets it Right, Introducing: Handjob Bot

There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world […]

Wednesdays Are: Messiahs Eat Free

Science: most of the time it’s telling you how cute the thing threatening to eat the galaxy is, how it could travel through time if it could just discover the thing that would be able to travel through time, or telling our penises things they already get. But now, science has decided it’s its job […]

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We’re Lying

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The […]

Science: Making the Impossible still more Impossibler

I’m a scientist. And you know what? So are you. You see, the heavy lifting of being a scientist isn’t in proving something as fact, most science isn’t fact. Or in discovering something new, you know how hard that shit is? Most of the stuff around you’s probably been discovered by somebody already. No, what […]