Good news everybody! Tonight the United States Government shuts down! Hooray! Happy Days! Rock ‘n Roll! Someone get me a chung so I can wang the hell out of it!
Why good news you may be asking? Well you see, yesterday on Twitter in addressing the imminent shuttering of this grand old nation, I called King. I called it. If the government shuts down, we at Van Full of Candy, are King. King of America. That’s just how it works. The “I called it first” edict is universally recognized by all international courts and peace keeping bodies. There’s no point in bitching, you could have called it, but you didn’t. We did. So as of 12:01 am, Saturday, April 9th, the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Ten and One, we will officially be King of The United States of America.
Now do not fret, our loyal subjects. We do not come to you today as ruthless, power hungry despots. We only wish to rule you with a kind, tender, knowing touch. The kind of touch that only a monarch and his ruled class of people know and share. We will treat you nice and call you pretty, regardless of your appearance. Just so long as you obey our every command to the letter without question. And we’ll all be cool. Got it? I said do you got it!? Alright then. If you had just answered the first time I– you know what, it doesn’t matter. Don’t make us regret usurping the power of this nation. Just be cool. So here it is, our new list of rules of the realm:
WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … That each citizen of the new realm will be issued one (1) fully grown jungle cat to do with as you wish. These beasts will not have been raised in captivity since we just thought of this and will then very likely have a taste for flesh and little to no litter box training. Upon delivery it will be up to you, the jungle cat owning citizen to decide how to care for and battle your blood thirsty killing machine. We understand that the initial learning curve in this process will likely be quite steep and that by the end of the first week of implementation of this program, many major metropolitan cities will likely be newly governed solely by lions and pumas and the like. With this in mind we would like to introduce our second decree…
WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … As we speak, the lamp posts of the country’s major urban centers are being fitted with high tech, nonlethal cat lasers. These lasers are designed to maintain order in the newly giant feline over run cities of America. You may naturally be wondering why, rather than changing our initial decree of unleashing millions of tons of fur, claws and teeth upon the people of the United States of America, we have decided to follow it up immediately with a measure to control the out of control element we initially instated. And the answer is simply because we can not be shown to have any sort of weakness or indecision, the cats can smell that kind of shit…
WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … The official soundtrack from Mad Max will be our new National Anthem and played at all sporting events, every morning in schools right before the new pledge of allegiance (which is currently being rewritten), and at 4:00pm every day over loudspeakers in every city. During the Anthem all will stop what they’re doing, face due east and place their hands over their heart until the Anthem has finished.
WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … That you’re it. No tag backs.
WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … A new day will be added to the week, and it will be known, from this point forward … as Vanday. It will be placed between Saturday and Sunday and will be included in the traditional “weekend”. Vanday will be 48 hours long. Within the Vanday there will be no sales tax on anything and everything will be 50% off. EVERYTHING! Including already sale priced items. So add the extra 50% savings to whatever the sale price of the item is and that will be the new sale price. However, when you return that item on a day other than Vanday, you will get the full refund for the price of that item prior to it being on sale.
WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … That any man, woman, teenager, adolescent child, newborn baby, dog, cat, mouse or bug of any sort that does deem it necessary to own a truck that is higher than 8 stone (a new height measurement) be, ironically, stoned to death upon being caught with aforementioned gigantic embarrassment of a vehicle. In this new world we choose to be lower to the ground and more sustainable with two-wheel vehicles being the primary mode of transportation, motorized or not, with a slight slant towards the four-legged variety (non motorized of course) unless you happen to have the special disabled card (physical, mental or socially) which then allows you to choose whichever sort of transportation you would like, except you cannot drive that chosen vehicle on the first and third Vanday of the new month unless, of course, it’s raining or there is a lunar eclipse, which then would allow anyone to drive, but only up to 53mph during that half hour period when reruns of Three’s Company is on. So yes, big truck equals death.
Simply follow these very straight forward, easy to understand decree and we’ll all get along just fine in this new Kingdom of the Van. All hail, class dismissed.