Charlie Sheen: Guru of the new Winning

This is an honest to god open letter to Charlie Sheen. If anyone reading this knows how to get it in front of Guru Sheen, I beg of you, please do. I will do anything, ANYthing, to have this make it into the hands of my new hero so that we can hang all night in our aura of epic that only we two truly understand… Seriously, anything…

I’ve heard a lot of guff lately about the mental state and health of star of stage and screen, one Mr. Charles Sheen. The man has been hounded by questions of his sanity and his sobriety. People think he’s lost it, that the man is rocketing down a road of self destruction on his way to utter collapse and personal, professional and physical ruin. People are talking about how sorry they feel for Charlie Sheen.

"I've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA" - Actual quote.
“I’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA” – Actual quote.

But, see, you don’t get it: Charlie Sheen feels sorry for YOU.

Can you honestly say that you feel sorry for a man who can walk away from a job that pays him two million dollars an episode to play a toned down version of himself and then without batting a fucking eye say that, sure, he’ll come back, but now you’ve gotta pay him three? And know that he means every fucking breath of it. You think that’s losing? Charlie Sheen will tell you to your simple little face that that’s winning. And I for one believe him. I would be foolish not to.

See, for too long, the exceptional have had to hide their superiority, to be humble and quiet in their personal knowledge of their uniqueness. The special have been forced to pretend that they’re just like everyone else to sell the normal people the idea that they could ever be special too. But once in a great while, a special person will throw off the guise of normal, relatable, humble every man and show you exactly how wrong you are to think that you could ever be like them. And that scares the shit out of the general public. They call that person crazy and narcissistic and dangerously addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. I call those people jealous of seeing someone capable of owning the life that they all secretly wish could be theirs.

You see Charlie, I get it. We’re kindred spirits, you and I. In the old days two people such as us would meet on a mountain top and do battle with lightning and magic and the Earth would quake, knowing that it was witnessing the only thing greater than itself and that it’s continued existence was predicated entirely upon our whims at that moment. And the people would fear us, as much for what we do as for what we did not do.

But how do I, you may ask? How do I get it? How is it possible for my normal brain to ever claim to understand someone like Charlie Sheen? Someone utterly incomprehensible to those lower life forms? Because I’m not a sad normal brain like the rest of them Charlie. I am, in point of fact, a certified DOUBLE GENIUS. Shit yeah that’s what I said. But, certified by who you might ask. By myself of course, because how could I expect any of these normals to even begin to comprehend this?

We’re like two super sonic sub marines, tearin’ ass through the sky at a thousand miles an hour and people see us and they don’t comprehend how something so awesome and impossible could even exist. Then it dawns on them bro, they suddenly see clearly for the first time in their sad existence and see us for the bright bolt of light that we are and through their tears they wonder how they lived so long without knowing something like this could even exist. And it’s because they’ve been told that mediocrity is something to be sought after. A goal to be achieved. Nothing makes me sadder than seeing mediocrity being striven for, except maybe for a plate full of uneaten prostitute.

"It could never work Aphrodite, I've got Charlie Sheen DNA." - assumed quote
“It could never work Aphrodite, I’ve got Charlie Sheen DNA.” – assumed quote

I understand that what you are putting out now is not anger, but passionate. I didn’t get it before. I didn’t understand that that was what was boiling over in my own samurai eagle heart. I thought I was angry, but that wasn’t it. If I was angry at anything it was with the world for not living up to our own personally standards. But now I understand that this pit of poison tipped rat vampires is only here to keep me from flying like the rocket propelled, birthday cake scented power monkey that I truly am!

You see, I woke up this morning with a helicopter hovering over my building. I go outside for my morning jog, look up in the sky and give the pilot the high sign and when I get back, it’s fuckin’ gone. Coincidence? There’s no such thing as coincidence man. They were there to make sure I was still alive, that’s it. Because the world needs me. I can’t even say any of my ideas out loud anymore bro, because when I do, the next day somebody’s making a million dollars on the easy little shit I say before my morning tea. So now I keep my genius locked away in a box labeled “not genius” and they’re not looking there because really, what that comes from me could ever not be genius, right? See it doesn’t make sense, and that’s what I’m counting on!

I want to hang with you Charlie. Beyond the fire and lightning that our meeting would call down from the halls of the gods of exceptionalism, I’m also selfishly thinking of my own self preservation. When I would put on my medical forms that my blood type was “Tiger Positive” the doctors would look at me with their stupid little questions in their eyes. But now I know that if something were ever to happen to me that there’s someone I can go to for a blood transfusion who would be able to handle it without my own blood kicking back into their body and devouring what was left of their unused soul. But until it becomes imperative for our unique physiology to preserve the last of our kind, we can just get together some Tuesday afternoon, each draw a little blood and have it fight, we can put that shit on Pay Per View and solve world hunger brother.

In closing, I want to make sure you know that I am absolutely serious right now when I say that if this somehow gets back to you Charlie, I want to hang with you. I want to finally feel free around someone who gets it! Give me a call Charlie, let’s be besties, because I am not mocking you, I get you, more than anyone else, I recognize your specialness and I fucking love it bro.

4 comments on “Charlie Sheen: Guru of the new Winning

  1. You literally had me in stitches with this masterpiece. ‘Tiger positive’ LMAO. I second that you should be given the opportunity to hang with your fellow genius. Rock on you super-sonic submarine!

    1. You clearly have acceptional taste Vas. You get it, you’re winning. You see something exceptional and you grab it with your tallons and you soar high into the sky and scream, “I defy you, conformity!” and you know what, the world knows that you fuckin’ mean it, bro!

      And seriously, if you can get this in Charlie’s hands I’d give you all my magic beans. All of ’em. No joke.

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