Van Full of Candy’s End of the World Year Predictions

It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, […]

Van Full of Candy's Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas

Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. […]

Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch

Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be […]

Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.

Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, […]

The White, Ambiguously Non-Racist, iPhone 4 Announced

The multi-billionaire, close to owning the world, old, white, arrogant, eat at the finest restaurants every night, cigar smoking men at Apple have just completely outdone themselves today. They just announced that at the end of this month they will be releasing a white iPhone 4. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more […]