Yeah, some maple-leaf lover sashayed his way into the good ol’ U.S of A with a picture on his electronic Etch-a-Sketch, got into . Now here’s where I get confused as to bag on the technology and the late-great Steve Jobs and his influence on border terrorism, or do I bag on the fact that our “homeland security” is as lax as a carny operating
the Tilt-a-Whirl? Let’s go with technology and the things I will scan into my iPhone that will be seen as true.
Money: The obvious 1st choice. I will lay $100 worth of $20 bills on the table and take a picture of it. Any establishment in which I partake of consumerism, I will gladly whip out my iPad, show them the picture of money I have and pay for what I need that way. If what I purchase is less than $100, they will give me change. If what I purchase costs more than $100, then I will show them the picture as many times as it takes to make the purchase price.
Penis Size: Some might say THIS is the obvious 1st choice, but it is definitely the 2nd spot. Because penis size can’t buy you happiness, but a picture of money can buy you a big penis, so, by all rights, this is the proper 2nd choice. I will copy a picture of a large 10″ monster-cock onto my iPad from one of many porn sites and use it as a conversation starter to women at the bar. I’ll brag about how hung I am, and when they scoff, I will grin as I slowly pull out my 10″ snake and watch their reaction as they beg to get out of there and head to her house.
My Face: I will use a perfectly Photoshop’d headshot of myself, with perfect white teeth, no eye wrinkles, tucked chin, filled in receeding hairline and a glimmer in my eye filter as my new face. I will pull the picture up on the iPad, strap it to my head, and walk around town meeting all the gorgeous ladies and landing all the 6 figure jobs, because, well looks are everything.
Cars:This one could come before “face” because we all know the ladies love guys in badass cars for whatever goddamn reason. Those old men with gray hair, Member’s Only jackets, Docker’s slacks and
some horrible old man Nunn Bush comfort gel shoes. It doesn’t matter what they look like or dress like because the shine of their racing yellow Corvette blinds the ladies enough to hop in and take a ride with daddy. So for this I will be scanning a red Ferrari and using it only as a last resort if I forgot to upload any of the prior three pics into my iPad.