Five Things You Didn't Know About the Egyptian Cobra That Escaped From The Bronx Zoo

No visitors? There's a goddamn cobra on the loose

(1) Amon, the Egyptian Cobra was once a security guard at a shoe store. He got the part time job guarding really expensive sandals in an elite shoe store after he was laid off during the dot com bust in 2002. “I wasn’t sure what to do after I lost my job as a graphic designer, but a friend told me about how I could bite people who tried to steal shoes, so I said ‘what the heck’.”
$120,000 sandals? Do you have these in my size?
(2) He was mistakenly captured while taking a jog through Central Park in New York after another jogger reported him as a felon they saw on America’s Most Wanted. “One minute I was taking an early morning jog, and the next minute I’m in some burlap sack in the back of a truck on my way to the zoo.”
(3) Amon was forced to delete his profile after being accused of spitting on one of the other members when out on a date. “I don’t know what this crazy bitch is talking about! I didn’t even go out with her, but I do have a cousin who’s a Red Spitting Cobra that she may have gone out with. People always say ‘they all look alike’, I say you’re all racist!”
I like jogging, Broadway shows, and good conversation
(4) He was the model for the 2010 Ford Cobra. “I sent Ford my zed-card and I surprisingly got a call from them about a week later. They loved my look and booked me for the job three days later. I was really honored because there were probably eight other guys there who I thought were much better looking than me. Oh well, who’s the badass cobra now?”
(5) Amon has a real passion for MMA and is working his way up for a chance to fight in the UFC. He has an impressive 8-1 record as an amateur with all his wins coming by submission. He has
That belt is MINE!
also been chosen for the next season of The Ultimate Fighter. “I love love love Jiu-Jitsu and have a real gift with submissions. I just wanna get in the octagon and be the next middleweight champ by beating Anderson ‘The Spider’ Silva. I want a really cool nickname too, like ‘The Killer’ or ‘Punishment’.” We think “The Cobra” would be cool, but who are we to say anything?

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