It’s Never Too Early to Learn That You’re Not Good Enough

Hey you, portly meat child, put down that bacon glazed ham turkey and mash your thick, meaty fingers into the keyboard over here, I’ve got something to tell you: You’re not okay!

Did you know that people hate fats. They do. Especially fat children. Nobody hates anything in this world more than they hate rotund rotoddlers. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved when you have to tell a friend who is the parent of an oval kid how “handsome” of “beautiful” or “not sweating profusely from merely existing” their baby is. Your non-tinyness isn’t just hurting your young circulatory system, but our ability to see your parents as anything but grossly neglectful.

"No, silly Maggie, that dress isn't cake. No! Maggie! SOMEBODY HOLD HER DOWN!"
“No, silly Maggie, that dress isn’t cake. No! Maggie! SOMEBODY HOLD HER DOWN!”

Fortunately, one intrepid author is using the fat kid’s second biggest weakness (behind marshmallow covered chocolate stuffed with marshmallows), to trick them into pulling their shit together: books. Books are to fat kids what friends are to regular, popular, healthy and well adjusted “normal” kids. Fat kids trust books because they take them to places that they might otherwise have to use their over burdened legs to discover. And since most overweight youth can’t get to the outside world to be told how they can never be loved as they are, the wonderful world of self loathing and poor body image are brought home to their cake plates, in the form of “Maggie Goes on a Diet” by Paul Kramer.

See Maggie is a fat little red headed 14 year old girl who:

“has so much potential that has been hiding under her extra weight.”

Because as everyone knows, you can never reach your full potential if your gut keeps getting in the way. It’s so far, and your arms are so heavy with internally stored ice cream! You see, your personal and professional successes are directly associated to your Body Mass Index. Think of it as your ranking as a human being. The lower, the less disgusting.

“This inspiring story is about a 14-year old who goes on a diet and is transformed from being overweight and insecure to a normal sized teen…”

Now, to be fair, Maggie almost IS a normal sized teen, and more than likely in the next hand full of years, WILL be. One in three American kids is overweight or obese, so the Largeican Americans are going to stop being the minority soon and then the thins are going to have to watch their tender, bony asses.

“Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self-image”

Everyone knows that fatties hate themselves, so they eat. Then they hate themselves for eating, and they eat some more, which makes them fatter and more eatie. Books like these, telling fat people that they’re fat and will never be happy until they stop being fat are exactly what is going to save our children. No amount of responsible parenting or thoughtful food choices for your children can do as much to benefit your child as a picture book with “normal” sized kids calling a little cartoon girl “fatty” and “chubby”.

Another of Mr. Kramer's books, apparently featuring sinister drops of piss...
Another of Mr. Kramer’s books, apparently featuring sinister drops of piss…

So while this book isn’t due out until October it’s already gotten people (fat people) up in arms (fat arms). People who say that targeting the insecurities of young girls and enforcing negative body image stigmas is somehow “wrong” and “evil” and “yum, butter!” But those people are clearly just trying to invent a problem where there is none. Of course, author Paul Kramer knows that a 14 year old shouldn’t be dieting, in fact, he told Fox News that very thing.

“I’m not advocating, never did, that any child should go on a diet.” said Mr. Kramer while apparently not promoting his book about a dieting teen.

So there, you’re all getting it wrong fatty lovers. When Mr. Kramer said “Maggie Goes on a Diet”, what he CLEARLY meant was “Maggie Makes Sound Personal Dietary Choices, Resulting in a Better Over All Lifestyle, Which Coupled With Exercise Can and Often Will Result in a Healthier Maggie For Years to Come, Rather Than the Potential Weight Loss Roller Coaster of Dieting”… But everyone knows that the most expensive part of self publishing a book is paying for extra cover words. Which is why my autobiography is going to be titled “Book”. And don’t worry fatty, it’ll be your best friend and take you on the magical journey of the most awesome humorist to ever ride the internets.

One thought on “It’s Never Too Early to Learn That You’re Not Good Enough

  1. Nice post. I’ve seen several people post about this book, and I keep almost hoping that it’s a practical joke somebody is playing on all of us, yet sadly, I know it’s not.

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