Gone are the days of a good ‘ol fashion melon pounding thanks to this latest punishment to the people, bestowed upon us by a spiteful and vengeful god. You know, I really don’t understand how a melon STD outbreak is even possible, let alone fair. I mean, what the hell is ‘listeria’ anyway? It’s not like I’m out coveting my neighbor’s wife, or out killing people for no apparent reason. All I’m doing is taking a succulent, juicy, perfectly round, sexy melon and making sweet sweet love to it, and for that I’m gonna be treated like a scene out of Magnolia? Well isn’t THAT some bullshit ??
Lets start this from the beginning shall we? Many years ago as I found myself with several hours of nothing to do alone in my house, I stumbled upon a website that gave many “fresh ideas” on how to pleasure one’s self. There were many, many, MANY ideas to try, so being the dedicated researcher that I am, I had to at least test a FEW of them out, you know … for science.
I ventured out on an exciting and naughty “melon-quest” and after several hours of pickyness, I purchased a fine melon from my local grocer. Sex-melons need to be the correct size to one’s anatomy, as to not bottom out on the old gal and cheating yourself out of the full experience. So for those of you taking notes, the bigger the better (you could go as big as a watermelon but those things get a little out of control once you start making out). I then took my new “girlfriend” home and placed her out in the sun for a couple hours to let her get nice and hot on the inside (it’s not a necessary step, but it’s so worth it, trust me). You then carefully take your paring knife and carve a hole right on the … Oh wait? What??!!
Well this is awkward, I was just told that people are getting sick and dying from EATING melons that are infected with ‘listeria’, so yeah, go ahead and forget all that other stuff that I was talking about, that was all just a little fun-time joke for the blog.