Taco Bell has long been at the forefront of nonsensical food technology. It is for this that we thank them. Do you have any idea how many food-like and Mexi-esque words have been introduced to the digestive distress catalog by these lunatics? Well, strap your stomach in, ’cause you’re about to meet a whole menu of new insanity. Welcome to First Meal. Live Mas, damn you! LIVE MAS!
Taco Bell: they call themselves a “Quick Service Restaurant”. We call them an asylum for insanity disguised as “food stuffs”. And now, the inventors of the “Fourth Meal” have unleashed their cadre of lunatic food scientists and set their sights on destroying what you understand as the “First Meal”. I give you: Taco Bell’s breakfast menu.
It’s alright, you can tell your heart to stop screaming, it’s going to be fine. Your eyes are not deceiving you (unless they’re trying to convince you that what you’re looking at is anything less than the invention of a prison lunch room)–that really is a Sausage, Egg & Cheese, Waffle Taco.
This is its brother, Bacon, Egg & Cheese, Waffle Taco. It is also insane, and being haphazardly drizzled in an over flowing torrent of syrup, because, you know, why wouldn’t it be?
These creations (which one can only assume sprung from the same twisted mind that brought us the KFC Famous Bowl) will be the flagship of the new Taco Bell breakfast menu launching March 27th in more than 5500 Taco Bells nation wide, which will also include:
Cinnabon Delights, a variety of Breakfast Burrito, assorted styles of A.M. Cruncwraps, hashbrowns and an A.M. Grilled Taco. This is Taco Bell’s attempt to gain a foothold in the highly lucrative “killing our customers in the morning time too” part of the day, which most burger joints tend to monopolize.
Now, I know I’ve had my fair say in regards to how I feel about the craziness that is Taco Bell’s food creation mental ward, but I also know that from time to time I do partake in their vaguely foodish fare. So am I going to try to sit here and tell you that the A.M. Crunchwrap doesn’t look like a mouth watering mound of morning madness? I would be a fool to try. I know some day I will give these a whirl, they will no doubt be delicious and I will tick off those six seconds that they will have subtracted from the end of my life as a worthy trade.
But YOU on the other hand. I wouldn’t drink you if each sip gave me back four minutes with a dearly departed loved one. Some things just aren’t worth it…