World's Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot


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