American Atheists Unveil New Super Hero Team: M.Y.T.H.S.

Just in time for Christmas: the holy celebration of the birth of the one true lord who shall judge us all at the right hand of the father as we pass from this mortal realm to the infinite of our judgement, the folks at American Atheist have introduced America’s new favorite super team:

By our powers combined, we form-- HONK! HONK-HONK! H-HOOOONK!
By our powers combined, we form– HONK! HONK-HONK! H-HOOOONK!


(Mentoring Youths Trough Heroics Super!)

(From right to left: President Chupacabra, Secret Beard, Power Heart and of course, Aquaman.)

On Earth 7, Doug Parks was just your normal, every day, run of the mill live stock de-boner. He had come from a long line of live stock de-boners and expected he would live the rest of his life, going through the motions of the work a day world, removing the skeletal structure from farm animals for $9.50 an hour before someday retiring to a little place that a life time of de-boning and careful savings had bought him. That is until the day that his entire family was kidnapped by a squishy bag of goat meat that called itself “Vengepuddle”. Leaving the rescue of his family to the proper authorities Doug would go on to receive pieces of his loved ones in the mail for the next seven years.

Seeing that there was something wrong with the system Doug Parks launched a successful Presidential campaign on the back of his blue collar, rags to riches roots. Then, one day while touring an alternative energy facility President Doug Parks was sucked into an interdimensional vortex and deposited here on Mega Earth 1A, where he fights to protect a world that fears and distrusts him.

Dwight T. Eiffeltower was a sickly young lad who was rejected by the Army Corps of Engineers when his patchy, speckled facial hair caused a decorated war hero to commit suicide at a recruiting table that Dwight was simply walking past. Encouraged by a sense of responsibility for the Nine Star Admiral’s death Dwight volunteered for a secret government program that he’d read about on a public rest room wall. Eiffeltower was injected with a top secret serum consisting of Racist Honey Bee Pollen and Haunted Low Fat Milk and bombarded with Gramma Rays. The experiment seemed to be an embarrassing failure as Dwight was immediately killed to death and stayed dead for twenty-eight years.

But finally, after clawing his way out of his own grave Dwight T. Eiffeltower emerged again with strange powers beyond reason and a voice in his head that was not his own. Upon returning to life Dwight found that he had been possessed by the spirit of Nine Star Admiral Beauregard Tinwhistle. Dwight knew that he and Beauregard must use their new found powers to fight injustice where ever they found it, and so was born “Secret Beard”.

Secret Beard has the power to make anyone, anywhere forget facial hair.

While rummaging through a cardboard box full of donations behind an abandoned thrift store one Flag Day, Carlos Arriba discovered a heart shaped amulet glowing with energy. When no one would buy it from him Carlos decided to keep the stupid thing anyway then. Then, one afternoon, while taking a break from urinating on his possessions and screaming at invisible cookie people that he was certain were trying to kill him in the back of the alley he called home, Carlos took a moment to examine the back of the amulet where he found writing in a language that he had never seen before. Suddenly, as if possessed by the invisible cookie people themselves Carlos slipped into a trance, recited the words on the amulet and was transformed into the being known as “Power Heart”.

Able to seek out and destroy bad cholesterol where ever it dwells, Power Heart is the scourge of the Buttery Under World of New Oldly: The City of Whenever. Now, when Carlos speaks his magical oath “No fatties!” he becomes POWER HEART!

And Aquaman punches people with fish.

Together they visit inner city youth shelters, teaching children how to fill out job applications and the importance of adequate tipping while occasionally saving the world from the ruthless machinations of The Orange Bucket and his Legion of Fuck Offs.

So where ever there is three for one wing nights, when ever someone drops their keys into a stripper, how ever somebody forgets what they just came in for, there is just one force to scream for like a lost child in a lost child factory: Presents:


6 comments on “American Atheists Unveil New Super Hero Team: M.Y.T.H.S.

  1. Whoever thinks this is funny? Seems like somebody puked after drinking all night and taking too many happy pills, then created this mess. Has to be the worst blog thus far in 2011. Congratulations!

    1. Hello Hoboduke and thank you for your insightful comment! You’re a true hero and a patriot and your words of encouragement lift my weary spirit!

      While I’m not entirely sure how projectile vomiting after an evening of embibing in spirits and pills who’s sole purpose for being is to encourage happiness, relate to the creation of an article about the American Atheist’s newest crime fighting sensation M.Y.T.H.S., I’m going to take your word for it that it does somehow make sense, if only to a professional rider of the rails.

      I took the opportunity to visit in an effort to better understand the type of content that you think worthy of eye time. I must say that it is quite possibly the single greatest interneted weby page in the history of the digital age! I couldn’t stop laughing! There’s text, and dog pictures, and the kind of tongue in cheek subversive humor that only a truly special mind could create. When I grow up, I want to be I encourage everyone reading this now, (not that there is anyone of course, because, why would there be when sites like exist) to hurry over to! You’ll laugh yourself destitute!

      And I’ll be watching the mail anxiously for our “Worst Blog Thus Far in 2011” award to add to our prestigious trophy case! I hope it comes in the form of a jar of your own feces! That would be just like a Hoboduke!

      Thanks again Hoboduke! I hope you’re not stabbed to death in a box car you wrongfully assumed was empty!

    1. OhmygodohmygodOHMYGOD! Everybody, the King of the Internet is back, hide the pills!

      Hey Hoboduke, how’s it goin’? Still being awesome? Still rockin’ suckers and suckin’ rockers?

      Thank you again for your meaty praise. We here at Van Full of Candy take great pride in being the envy of all horribleness across the internet. We, much like yourself, are attention whores, so being recognized as the best of the worst by the worst of the worse is truly high praise indeed.

      Just followed your twitter account, increasing your number of followers by 100%. You’re welcome! Can’t wait to read more of your thoughtful insights on how Obama’s fuckin’ shit up! Stick it to the man Hoboduke! You say the things we’re all thinking, that someone like you might say.

      Warm a can of beans on an barrel fire for me Hoboduke. Two times!

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