Guys Hate Valentine’s Day (Whitney Houston Style)

The official day of love, as told to us by a major greeting card corporation, comes once a year and here we are standing three people deep in an aisle of pink picked over rectangles. We stand there with glazed over eyes, a smidge of drool forming in the corner of our mouths, hoping that […]

Hey Sugar Twat, Can Van Full of Candy Buy You a Drink?

Well, look at this, heaven must be missing it’s sexiest, most charming, best hung angel… ’cause here I am. But seriously though, I couldn’t help but notice you checking me out from across the bar. I get that a lot. I thought I’d make my way over here before you strained something molesting my delicious […]

And Ode To The Slurpee

My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears – I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color which makes my face look like a clown – […]