The internet: it’s our home. We owe almost our entire existence to that of the internet machine. The internet is important to us, it is our life, our being, without it, we are just two angry drunks shouting at keyboards.
But I can’t hump it… yet, anyway.
A survey released by the “Boston Consulting Group”, apparently looking for more answers to the most unverifiable rhetorical questions in no need of answers, revealed that slightly more than 1 in 5 Americans, given the Sophie’s choice of having real life sexual interaction between themselves and another living being, or the ability to watch others making the sweat glazed double spine copter on their lube stained lap top computational machines, would take the digital manipulation over, well, digital manipulation…
What I’m trying to say is that 21% of Americans would give up sex for a year in favor of internet access.
I found so many flaws with this conclusion that I simply had to masturbate on an iPad to make sure I wasn’t already in the Matrix… I discovered too late that that wasn’t entirely necessary, but the damage has been done and we’ll just have to go forward from here.
There were other things which were versed the world wide network in this survey of madness: 84% would forego GPS, 83% would skip fast food, 77% would trade chocolate. Fine, cute, disposable. None of those things are even a fair fight against the mystical wonders of the web net.
73% said they would give up alcohol for a year for access to the intertubes.
How could that be? Who would say such a horrible thing? Who ARE these monsters? These sober, celibate monsters!
Now, I fully understand that the only reason you are reading this is because of the miracle of Mrs. Gore’s little boy’s crazy, wonderful idea to connect pornography caches over the nation’s phone system. No one more than I recognizes the importance of the internet. But come now, let us not be crazy, stupid, crazy stupid people. I mean, I enjoy all of the wonders that the world wides have to offer as much as the next guy: the cat themed hijinks, the people falling down and hurting themselves, the pictures of brightly smiled joggers with clever little text jokelettes. But drinky booze, and ladies squishy inlets…
I’ve long believed that the world’s priorities have slipped dangerously out of whack and this survey by the fine people at the Boston Consulting Group has thrown this madness into crystal, laser focus. You’ve lost your god damned minds America. Why, without alcohol and sex, most of you wouldn’t be around to enjoy the wonders of the global information super highway, which you now so foolishly worship, so willing to forsake the two most basic elements of life for!
No. Not I. Not this true blue American hero. I readily admit to a genuine, crippling internet addiction, ingrained into my being since the very beginnings of commercial internet access. It is as much a part of me as anything else that I am. To be without the internet would be like having my eyes plucked from my head and my legs torn off by wild, adorable kittens. But when all was said and done, I would still have my mouth with which to drink the wondrous fermented spirits, and my groin, with which to thrust into only the most willing of participants. And that would be a right and just world, a world that I would be happy to live in. But a world, even for a year, without wet lips and wet hips? There aren’t cat videos cute enough or memes snarky enough to keep me going.
So go on America, forsake the finest things in life for the internet, I’ll just be over here picking up your slack and loving every unplugged minute of it until you come to your ever lovin’ senses.