Thanks to Dave Chappelle for the title of this blog. I had to steal his end of show sound bite because “Bitch, I’m Rich” sounded kinda rude and “I’m a Rich Bitch” sounded like I was a Kardashian, and I really don’t like the taste of unbleached all purpose flour all up in my mouth, sooooooooooooo … let’s get back to discussing the California Lottery shall we?
I understand that many of you are rushing around like little ants whose little hill has been kicked by a rogue 12 year old pick-nick’r trying to put together 5 numbers with a Mega number that will make you a half a billionaire without even having to own a child labor run corporation in Korea. But why do you think you even have a chance? I’m going to win tomorrow night, and when I do, we will officially change our name to Van Full of Fuck-You Money. The expletive is very necessary, because that’s the kind of money that I spend and say “fuck you” to it when it goes away because it doesn’t mean shit to me. $100 tip on a $5 lunch … fuck you. $300 haircut … fuck you. Wipe my ass with $20’s … fuck you. I couldn’t waste $500 million fast enough before I go to the big 70’s van in the sky.
When they show my ugly mug on the news asking what I’m going to do with all that scratch, I’ll just say “not giving any of this shit to charity, that’s for sure” and then make out with the hot reporter that they sent to interview me LIVE on air, then later send her home the next morning with a couple of Benjamin’s, and a Jackson for the cab fare, hey, I’m a nice guy, I know cabs are pricey.
Now look, before you get all shitty and think I’m a non-caring asshole who only thinks about his selfishness, I’m going to give you the opportunity to share the wealth with me. Yes. You heard if right here from me. I’m going to share with you the winning lottery numbers. If you choose to use them, then my friend, we’ll both be rich assholes/asshole’ettes, but if you choose not to use them, then you my friend, are going to be working for another 30 years to a retirement of nothingness. Hookers and champagne? Or food stamps and government cheese? Your choice. Here you go …
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