If you find wallet rape offensive, then please, change the channel right now!
My olfactory system was overcome with an overabundance of fruity jungle’ness, lemongrass, vanilla and hints of relaxation. One would think that by the thickness of the aroma that I was actually marinating in a bubbling tub of potpourri right here in the middle of the mall. I was actually three stores away, just passing a Build-a-Bear, when I noticed the foam green, chamomile/lavender stench-fog spewing from another retailer not less than 20 yards on my right.
Was this a reincarnation of the long defunct Illuminations candle store? I was confused. I kept watching as this stench-fog slowly came after me, enveloped me, and then gently carried me inside to what I can best describe as a caffeine induced fit of adult Candy Land slumber-partyness. I was greeted by smiles and dancing and the immediate attention of complete strangers wanting to wash me and anoint me with their biblical oils of healing and Zen. I had just entered … LUSH … and from what I can tell, I wasn’t getting away any time soon.
The products looked like yummy cookies and candies and cake frosting all for my very own enjoyment. Every color of the rainbow and every smell imaginable. It was the Willy Wonka of skincare and aromatherapy. Before I knew it, I had a Bath-Bomb contact high as a rolled around on the facial cleanser table like a dog who just found a certain smell in the grass. My arms were being exfoliated and my forehead was being moisturized while happy salespeople bounced around singing the latest happy-song being blasted over their Muzak system. Holy Lord, where have you been all my life LUSH? Why have I never been encapsulated in your peppermint love haze before when making a quick jaunt to the Apple store? I was in a butter cream, lemon fizz, mimosa blossom orgasmic state of mind when I was asked what I would like to purchase. “GIVE … ME … EVERYTHING!!” I exalted to the heavens like a gladiator who had just slain the lions. “EVERYTHING!! … I COMMAND YOU!!”. After the salespeople helped me down from the table in the display window, they guided me over to the table of reckoning where they asked me for my credit card. Gladly I handed it over to them so that I could quickly get home with my bounty to recreate this dream again in the privacy of my own lavatory.
What’s this? $76.44?!?! Dost mine ears deceive me? I quickly snapped out of my fool’s paradise and into the stark reality that my senses had been bamboozled into buying little plastic buckets of oatmeal mixed with tea for $50/lb. I was mortified. What do I do? They tricked me, these charlatans. Why would I pay so much for a quick shower when I could easily get a pound of Brie de Meaux for only $17.61/lb or even some Biellese Salumeria Lamb Prosciutto for $29.50/lb. Or even better, I could get a pound of both for $47.11 and eat my way into a gastronomic coma. How could they do this to me?
They say a sucker is born every minute, and, well, this sucker is soaking in a Dreamtime Bath Melt while enjoying another spread of Brie on a Carr’s whole wheat cracker. Cheers!