“Oh fuck what just happened? I have this strange pain throbbing in my forehead area, but my eyes are open and everything is black and it smells like exhaust, where the fuck am I?” … You’re in the trunk of a car you stupid bitch-ass-bitch, and if you’re there, you probably deserve it.
Don’t worry dear reader, this will never happen to you because of the simple fact that you are reading this article and you will be so well informed that the aforementioned sentence will only happen to those that you decide it will happen to. Pistolwhipping, it’s the new “timeout” for kids, the new “Whaa? I don’t deserve a raise?” and how we go about taking care of business, and other loved ones when they step the F out of place.
Extreme you say? Well yeah, perhaps. But this is the new way we handle things in this recession. What do you think happened in the great depression? Probably things way worse than a simple little smack to the face with some metal, and that’s why it was a depression, but people, sure it’s been 4+ years but it’s still only a god-damn pistolwhipping recession, so for those of you who think spankings are extreme and leaving a loved one for some hanky-panky outside your relationship is in order, well maybe you should look away, but for those of you who want to earn some real respect, read on …
Scenario #1: Loud Mouth Annoying Mutha Fuckin’ Co-Worker
If you’re lucky enough to still have a job in this Post-Apocolyptic-Bush-Jr-Economy then you probably have to spend more than half your life in an office … an office that sucks the ever-loving life straight out your nostrils in the form of steam or dry-ice (for visual effect). And you spend it with a person who talks too loud and laughs like a whiskey sucking cigarette smoker, who cooks fish in the microwave just before you heat up your leftovers and engages you in small talk and inappropriate jokes every time you pass by their cubicle. What can you do? Report them to HR? Complain about them to management? With what results? None !! Period !! Ever !! No, none of that “official” shit works. You reach for your 9mm Glock and you pull it out of your tucked in Docker’s or skirt, and right as they tell the punchline to “what’s the difference between a hooker and root canal”, you pistolwhip the shit out of that loud mouth pile of shit. Problem … solved. Time for lunch … and you clock out for an hour … with a smile on your face.
Scenario #2: That Person Who Seems To Be Filing Their Taxes and Legally Changing Their First Name at the ATM In Front of You
All I need to do is run to the ATM and deposit this check and pull out $20 as fast as possible so I can get to little Johnny’s daycare and pick him up before I start getting charged $1/minute for being late. You know the deal … you park your car, you jump out and run up to the only machine that’s working and there she is, that F’ing lady … the one who hasn’t been in front of anything technologically electronic since the last time she was on a drawbridge. There she is, writing a check with a ballpoint pen, licking the envelope, reopening the envelope to double check that her transaction is accurate, then dropping the pen on the ground, looking around for it, filling out a new … PISTOLWHIP !! Problem solved … you fucking cunt!!
Scenario #3: The Person Who Doesn’t Think That Signaling To Change Lanes is Necessary
Pull up next to them at the next red light, pull off a Chinese Fire Drill and pistol whip that mutha fucka in the mouth, hop in your car and continue on your way to the mall.
Scenario #4: Any Family Member at Thanksgiving Dinner
Bamm!! Any of them, at any time, because they all deserve it !!
Scenario #5: Your Kids or Other’s Kids
Self explanitory … you’re forgiven .. it’s legal in our eyes.