Yesterday, VFoC’s own Jesse J. wrote about China and how they’re completely out of control and making us literally shit our pants. Funny he should say SHIT (I could be paraphrasing), because that’s what China is doing to us, YET AGAIN, today. Not only are WE shitting our pants, but the crazy muthafukkin Chinese, well one professor An Yashi to be specific, is collecting cute little panda poopoos and making it into the world’s “most expensive tea”. Ok, I’m very sorry dear delicate reader, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you want to wander over to our website and read on a Wednesday evening, but know this, when you leave our website you’ll be just a little bit more hardened to the real world, the world out there that skirts around issues and makes things bubblegum and candydrops. So continue reading and become an outraged, dreamless drifter like we here at VFoC have become.
Not long ago, I read a story about some Japanese scientist making nutritious steakstuff out of human poop. Now granted, Japan and China are two different entitites, but they’re kinda the same, you know. Which leads me to the question, “What in the hell is your fascination with fecal matter you Asians?”. First you want to pretend it’s Play-Doh and run it through the Fun Time Play-Doh Meat Factory Playset making tri-tip and filet mignon and now you want to shovel up some of Kung Fu Panda’s finest from the zoo, dry it, shove it in a fine gossamer mesh pyramid tea bag that allows top-quality panda nuggets to reach their full potential, unfurl, and expand for an even and flavor-rich infusion, and then have Teavana sell it to us at the mall? And on top of it all you greedy shit collectors want to sell it at $40,000/lb. ?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO YOU GREEDY SHIT PEOPLE??
Look, I’m not a drug dealer, nor do I know how much drugs cost out there on the street
market, but I could venture to guess that I could buy enough blow for $40,000 to get at least a dozen pandas straight jacked out of their gourd and shit directly into my glass of hot boiling water and collect the rest of the other 11’s droppings for many a long cold winter night for years to come. So, my hats off to you for your entrepreneurial endeavor, but let’s get real Chinese tea guy, if people want a hot steamy cup of brown liquid that resembles panda dookie, they could just as easily run over to Starbuck’s and save $39,990.