FIRST I turn on the TV. I didn’t have to. That damn thing is always on, and I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of America as well, right? You don’t have to lie, we’re all friends here. It’s on and it’s telling us what we need to know, what we’re supposed to know, and if it’s not on TV, it doesn’t exist.
So to the media, I’d like to send out a heartfelt “thank you”. Thank you for only scaring me for as long as you think I can handle it, and then with the precise timing of a Swiss watch, you yank all the bad stuff away so I know that everything is alright in the world again. Thanks for making all the horrific things of this world easier to digest by throwing a few of Hollywood’s finest at it with some sort of musical benefit and with their sincere words of empathy, so I can watch, smile and know that since Angelina is on the scene, everything will be just fine.
So with that, I’d like to say, don’t worry natural disasters, we haven’t forgot about you, we just got a little bored with you, but only because you’re not getting coverage, because I do care, and I WOULD send some money via a text if I had some extra. Seriously! But don’t worry, we’ll hear about you again when somebody needs to revive their singing/acting career and you’ll be popular again. Hang in there!