Look at ’em, staring at me while I sit at this eternal red light, where eternal is roughly one minute and 13 seconds. They’re all perfect and happy and … not obese. Where do they come from? Why do they exist? Where in the hell do you purchase them? The most logical explanation would be from an auto parts store or a flea market, but I’m going to guess that perhaps some families hand craft them on “family fun night” with x-acto knives and some silly sticker stencils while drinking Sprite and eating those soft white cookies with the frosting on top, laughing and giggling and hugging.
We are bombarded by these monstrosities of suburbanite’ish absurdity on a daily basis (on commutes, passing a church, mall parking lots). It’s as if these horrid decals just appear on cars out of nowhere. Who are applying these things? Have you ever seen somebody applying Mom, Dad, Sis, Slugger and the g’damn family dog to the back window of their minivan? No you haven’t. Nobody has. And if you are one of the unfortunates who have witnessed it, then shame on you for not immediately slapping Dad in the back of the head and yelling “Good God man! Look what you’re doing!”. We don’t see these being applied in the light of day because they’re done in back alleys at dusk, and inside garages of shame with one’s self worth slowly melting away like a soft serve in the hands of a 3 year old during summer.
The one’s that make absolutely no sense are the sticker families with the children’s name on them. “Hey, thanks” says the child abductor who now knows the age, rank, and serial number of each child he/she plans on luring into a Van Full of Candy, not to mention the dog’s name, Mom’s bust size, and which sport and/or activity each family member likes best.
How come there isn’t a REAL-life sticker family emblazoned on the back of a ’97 Maxima with 140,000 miles on it, painting the real picture of the true American family? On the right side of the window you have X-wife, Jimmy, Sally, My Old House, X’s Lawyer … and on the left side of the window you have Dad, New Girlfriend, Debt Collector, Therapist. Screw this happy-time-baseball-ballet-Disneyland-balloon-holding-not-the-norm-pretend-adhesive-nuclear family, I want to see Crazy Cat Lady with six cats in descending order by name alphabetically from left to right. Let’s go back to the days of Calvin pissing on everything, a Save the Whales bumper sticker, or even a g’damn Baby on Board warning placard complete with suction cup.
Oh good, the light is green. Please get this sticker oppression off of me, it’s too much to bear on a long tedious commute. Another red light. WHAT?!? An “Alumni License Plate”?