That’s Some Crazy Cheddar Yo

Somebody please get me off this money or at least toss me a Xanax

Ahhhh yes, the $2 bill. America’s most embarrassing piece of currency, its red-headed stepchild, its third nipple, its annoying aunt who overstays her welcome, its Milli Vanilli, its … ok I think you get it. The government was so embarrassed by its “sticks out like a sore thumb” appearance that they decided to get rid of it in 1966, but just like that hemorrhoid that you think has finally crawled back up, it was back ten years later with one hard gas letting cough.

It’s got to be the stupidest piece of money paper ever. Not just in America, but everywhere in the world. Nobody wants that damn thing, Christ, look at Jefferson’s face, it says “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You’re putting me on this bullshit? I WROTE THE GODDAMN DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!” Sorry Thomas, I feel for you, but hey, at least they felt bad enough for the practical joke they pulled and put you on the nickel too. I guess the other presidents were just better.

I know that whenever I get a $2 bill from some gas station or check-cashing “store”, I get pissed. I don’t want that crap, my other money hates it, I can’t spend it, nobody will take it, so I just end up throwing the damn thing away. And how are you going to look “making it rain” up in the strip club with $2 bills? Everybody will know that you watch Masterpiece Theatre, NOVA and Antiques Roadshow, they’ll know that you were in high school marching band, and you like to squat over a floor-fan after getting out of the shower to get all your crevices dried out properly. Ok, maybe not the last thing, but it gives a good visual, and it really works well too, trust me.

Now where was I? Ahhhh yes! The idiocy that is the $2 bill. Have you ever heard a rapper brag about his Jefferson’s? NO! Not only will it NOT go away, but now it’s being offered in a full color version. Huh? And, if you buy one, you get one free. Doest mine ears deceive me? Free money you say? That’s how bad it is, they’ll give you two for one just to get rid of the shit. Here, take this money away, we hate it, it’s free, PLEASE TAKE IT!! But NO I say! I will not take it! It’s ugly, it’s awkward in public and it chews with its mouth open. So keep your practical joke money, I don’t care what you do with it, just keep that bullshit out of my wallet. Burn in Hell $2 bill.

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