All Hail Our New Mercurian Overlords

As we all know, space wants nothing more than to kill us, leaving us gasping in the vacuum of space, laughing at our simple frozen flesh, with its gas giants and dark… dwarf… holes. Space is kind of a dick. But now, after this new discovery of Mercury’s rocky, bored face, we know space probably […]

It’s Raining Baseball Fans

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage. I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights […]

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We’re Lying

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The […]

Space Wants You Dead

We are all going to be murdered by a giant green blob, the size of our entire galaxy, THAT SHITS STARS! Why am I the only one screaming!? So what if it’s 650 million light years away? How do you know that some living space cloud, the size of what we can’t even begin to […]