Beware: Exploding Babies

I don’t do a lot of flying, I have my reasons. One of them, certainly, is the fact that I don’t do a lot of traveling. I don’t think they have a lot of destinationless flights, and if they did, why would they? But when I do go somewhere, which as I’ve stated, I don’t, I […]

Friday The 13th Part IV : Osama Lives

Ok everyone, it’s safe to come outside now. We can now all go back to our regularly scheduled lives. Didn’t you hear? The boogie man is dead. Yeah!! He was all shot up in the head yesterday and then thrown in the ocean. Dead! Done! So now we’re all completely safe once again. Doesn’t it feel good, kinda […]

Obama’s Birth Certificate Found In a Van Full of Candy

Hey everyone, wow, we’re really sorry that this whole Obama/birth certificate thing got so way out of freakin’ control. We forgot that it was in the back of our van the whole time. Whoopsie right?? Silly us, we totally forgot that on one of our last roadtrips, Obama had it in his wallet and let […]

Donald Trump: The President We Deserve

We can name more Jersey Shore cast members than our state’s Senators. We have commercials telling our kids to go outside and play. We are steaming into the twenty-first century, powered by wheezing, poisonous 19th century technology. And the little pocket-sized super computer that we bought six months ago, that tiny little thing that would have been considered […]

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We’re Lying

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The […]

All Hail, King Van Full of Candy!

Good news everybody! Tonight the United States Government shuts down! Hooray! Happy Days! Rock ‘n Roll! Someone get me a chung so I can wang the hell out of it! Why good news you may be asking? Well you see, yesterday on Twitter in addressing the imminent shuttering of this grand old nation, I called King. I called […]

A Rebuttal: Double Good Money Time

Hi, I’m the Internet’s Jesse Jones. You may know me from such things as the what you’re reading now and that time I punched science. Earlier this week, my Van companion, or “Vanpanion” Jason expressed his violent, some would say, misguided hatred for the two dollar bill. Normally when Jason says something wildly hysterical and irresponsible, I […]