In American culture, there are two widely accepted sky myth stories. The first of which being that a a giant bearded dude who lives in the clouds said one day “This shit is dark yo, BOOMSHACKALACKA!” and then everything that is happened. Then he made people in his image and decided he didn’t like them and washed […]
Easter is traditionally celebrated for two things: a) the brutal shit kicking of Jesus Horatio Christ, culminating in his being affixed to a tree and propped up in Rome’s front yard like a pink flamingo that’s been kicked in the face for an hour. You know, for you and your stupid sins. And 2) delicious seasonal candies. […]
I’m noticing a very strange and scary trend happening in the world right now, and it’s making me very uncomfortable, as it should you too. As I was watching a rerun of House, the medical show with the guy who has a cane and walks around with a limp, acting all “smarter than thou” and […]
Science: most of the time it’s telling you how cute the thing threatening to eat the galaxy is, how it could travel through time if it could just discover the thing that would be able to travel through time, or telling our penises things they already get. But now, science has decided it’s its job […]
As regular readers know, we at Van Full of Candy have a love, hate, stab, caress relationship with a certain young pop super star whose name shall be mentioned many dozen times throughout this article. Whether it’s his disappointment in and hatred of rape victims, or his world shaking follicle styling decisions, we have been there every […]
Penis. Ooooh, aren’t you outraged? Of course you are. You want to know why? Because I just said you were. And that’s all it takes. We’re off and running. You’ve likely never seen my penis, the majority of you have never even had one of your own to never be spoken of. But I just […]