British “Man” Gives Birth: Lose Your Fucking Mind and Hate Him!

We live in an amazing, Technicolor, sci-fi world. A world where you can almost literally be anything you want. I mean, you can’t actually be, say, a cat or a polar bear. But you can dress up like them and fuck other people dressed up like zebras and mice, which is basically all you would […]

Party People! You Win Some, You Lose Some: Headaches vs. Mistake Babies

This week has been an uneven one for those who like to party first and deal with party related consequences eventually. We at Van Full of Candy are known to be fans of both “Party” and “Consequences”. The first is fun, the second is hilarious and the combination of the two is often hilariously fun. […]

This Time For Realzies: Judgement Day, Part 2: The Judgementing

Uh-oh, remember back in May, how the world was supposed to end with a bunch of goody goodies floating up into heaven and flashing their balls at us? And then remember how that didn’t happen and it was all hilarious? And remember how we all laughed at the guy who said the world was going to end […]

AAAHHHHHH!!! (Apocalypse Edition: Parte the Somethingth)

It’s the end of the world! Oh sweet Jesus who up until this very moment when you might actually be of some use to me, I have heretofore ignored and denied, IT’S THE END OF THE MONKEY FIGHTING WORLD! Don’t believe me?! Well fuck you! ‘Cause it’s real Jack! You’re dead! I’m dead! We’re all […]

VFoC "LIVE" on The Comedy Buffet’s Podcast

The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, […]

Anarchgay in the USA

Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick. A same-sex marriage bill is currently working its way through the New York state legislature which can only mean one thing, Jesus is warming up his wave machine while solemnly shaking his head in disappointment with […]

VFoC Video — “May 21st, 2011 … It’s Rapture Time Sinners”

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us […]

Kirk Cameron vs. Soviet Russia vs. Stephen Hawking vs. Space Aliens vs. Sense of Any Kind

In American culture, there are two widely accepted sky myth stories. The first of which being that a a giant bearded dude who lives in the clouds said one day “This shit is dark yo, BOOMSHACKALACKA!” and then everything that is happened. Then he made people in his image and decided he didn’t like them and washed […]

Crisis in the Holy Land: Biebs vs. Heebs

As regular readers know, we at Van Full of Candy have a love, hate, stab, caress relationship with a certain young pop super star whose name shall be mentioned many dozen times throughout this article. Whether it’s his disappointment in and hatred of rape victims, or his world shaking follicle styling decisions, we have been there every […]

At Least 72% of Fox News Poll Responders to Burn in Hell

I’m not a religious man. I’ve been known to call God a “fucking dick“, a “thin skinned deity who throws a bitch fit every time something doesn’t go his way” and a “bearded sky douche” among many other unkind things. We don’t exchange Christmas cards, or as he insists on correcting me every fucking time, Birthday cards. […]