Somebody please get me off this money or at least toss me a Xanax Ahhhh yes, the $2 bill. America’s most embarrassing piece of currency, its red-headed stepchild, its third nipple, its annoying aunt who overstays her welcome, its Milli Vanilli, its … ok I think you get it. The government was so embarrassed by […]
The other day as I was driving the van around town, I happened upon a dog park; a place where lonely pet owners can congregate and let their dogs frolic around with other K-9’s. A place where they can stand at least twenty feet from each other engaging in the game of “please don’t make […]
Dear holy sweet nectar of the Gods, someone has finally tapped into the best Ben & Jerry’s flavor EVER! Why in the world has it taken so long to realize that we are human, and we should only be ingesting momma’s milk, not this cow milk crap? Calves drink from cows, babies drink from soft, […]
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of […]
What ever happened to the good ol’ fashioned faint? Back in the Victorian era when women would actually faint so much, they had “fainting rooms”. A whole damn room with a luxurious couch just for slowly falling down on with the back of one’s hand on their forehead! That’s damn fancy! But the price of […]
Hey there wanna-be-surgeon, you’re scaring the shit out of me with your apocalyptic fashion gear. Would you mind taking it off, you’re scaring the children. Did I somehow not get the memo about some sort of asbestos spill? If there’s some sort of nerve agent loose and I forgot my King of Pop mask, I’m […]
If you find wallet rape offensive, then please, change the channel right now! My olfactory system was overcome with an overabundance of fruity jungle’ness, lemongrass, vanilla and hints of relaxation. One would think that by the thickness of the aroma that I was actually marinating in a bubbling tub of potpourri right here in the […]
Look at ’em, staring at me while I sit at this eternal red light, where eternal is roughly one minute and 13 seconds. They’re all perfect and happy and … not obese. Where do they come from? Why do they exist? Where in the hell do you purchase them? The most logical explanation would be […]
Well hello, I … didn’t see you standing there. I was just enjoying the latest episode of Survivor, hands-free. Wait, I can’t hear you, let me take these ‘Beats’ by Dr. Dre headphones off. Hi. Oh this? Yeah, isn’t it great? It’s called a Vyne, but I like to call it Python. No don’t be […]