Barry Kalinowski, the world’s most unlucky NFL football photographer, surprisingly announced his retirement today after covering the game for 34 years. After graduating from Albuquerque Technical Vocational Institute (TVI) in 1975, Barry started his photography career at Picture Your Pet, a small studio in Roswell, New Mexico. “Dogs were impossible. Those dang dogs would just […]
January 17th. 1779 — Out manned, out gunned and with America on the brink of defeat in the War of 1812, Admiral George Washington Carver, under pressure from delegates of the United Federation of Planets, reached a tenative alliace with the cavemen ghosts to launch a last ditch, sneak attack on Napoleon’s Royal Mounted Unicorn […]
With the new year, a lot of people like to make predictions about the upcoming hellscape that will be the coming trip around the sun. Impotently grasping for meaning and some illusion of control or understanding in a world where absolutely nothing makes sense. And we’re no different, except for how we’re exactly nothing at […]
We are all going to be murdered by a giant green blob, the size of our entire galaxy, THAT SHITS STARS! Why am I the only one screaming!? So what if it’s 650 million light years away? How do you know that some living space cloud, the size of what we can’t even begin to […]
Look at ’em, staring at me while I sit at this eternal red light, where eternal is roughly one minute and 13 seconds. They’re all perfect and happy and … not obese. Where do they come from? Why do they exist? Where in the hell do you purchase them? The most logical explanation would be […]
You haven’t died from Polio, and through the miracle of modern technology, that bowling trophy’s broken arm was safely rescued from deep within my “fun house”. But aside from that, what has science done for any of us? For every life saving vaccine or highly specialized rectal jaws of life that science accidentally discovers, there are […]
Well hello, I … didn’t see you standing there. I was just enjoying the latest episode of Survivor, hands-free. Wait, I can’t hear you, let me take these ‘Beats’ by Dr. Dre headphones off. Hi. Oh this? Yeah, isn’t it great? It’s called a Vyne, but I like to call it Python. No don’t be […]
And nobody’s gonna stop it. We’ll be speeding through your neighborhoods with blogs and videos and all kinds of nonsense that only a Van Full of Candy can provide. So please be patient while we fill up the tank and get ready for this road trip.