When you work hard and put in your time, good things usually happen to you. Here at Van Full of Candy we have a really dedicated young man who really, really wants to make it big time in the entertaiment world in any way shape or form that they’ll take him. You may remember him […]
Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick. A same-sex marriage bill is currently working its way through the New York state legislature which can only mean one thing, Jesus is warming up his wave machine while solemnly shaking his head in disappointment with […]
So Montel William’s television show, monotonously named, “The Montel William’s Show” ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any clue, hence, me letting you know. You probably know him better for his infomercials pushing his Healthmaster Blender to people who are too lazy to actually go to a grocery store, buy the ingredients to make […]
Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don’t laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science’ll be coming for your testicles next! Since the invention of the penis approximately 47 billion years ago man has been desperately trying to devise ways to control them. They are […]
Move over LeBron James, there’s a new King in town, and he goes by the name “Dirk”. This seven foot homeless man from Germany reeks of malt liquor, sleeps in alleys, but by dumb luck has now found a new home in the NBA with the Dallas Mavericks. Dirk, otherwise known on the streets as “Giant Adolf”, […]
With all this fancy talk about clouds and keeping your music in a cloud and files in a cloud and pudding in a cloud, we here at Van Full of Candy have decided to officially change our name to iVan Full of Candy. Yes, you heard me correctly, we are now in the goddamn holy […]
Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a […]
Indestructible toilets … finally!!! Not only can these toilets from the future take the blast of a terrorist bomb, but I can finally piss on the lid and have absolutely no guilt. Seriously! These toilets are made of “ultra-strong fibrous concrete” so they can take the biggest load you could ever conceivably dump into them, and the […]
There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true […]
New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, decided he was going to show his pee-pee to some ladies on the interwebs. Apparently he thought women could keep their mouths shut, and I mean that in the most loving way possible, seriously. Let’s just take a quick look at this shit, shall we Weiner? #1. You are a U.S. […]